Midnight Madness

I was flipping through the channels tonight at 10:00 Eastern and the Golf Channel was ready to roll out with their Live from the Ryder Cup coverage. A part of me was tempted to pretend I was in college and pull an all-nighter, only do it without the aid of caffeine, loads of booze and some peppy music with a beat. I would do this and still go into the office in the morning. Why? The Ryder Cup is worth it.

The Europeans are the favorite and they should be, but is there a team of Americans you could ever want to root for more? I thought the Kentucky hillbillie group of Perry, JB and adopted redneck Boo Weekley was enough NASCAR in 2008 to make rooting for the Americans worth it. But now? We've got Dustin Johnson and Bubba Watson! Grip it and rip it, international beat-down style! My heart says the US will win on foreign soil for the first time since 1993. My brain says 'No.'

Cue Michael Buffer, please!

Here's what I am watching for...

Tiger Woods - I think this is the perfect place for Tiger to regain some swagger. Failure can't be placed entirely on his shoulders. Plus, the ability to blow up on a hole is easily sheltered in match play. I think he comes out and just steamrolls people.

Mickelson & Johnson - They got paired together to open it all tomorrow. Two guys who just swing, wait for it to come out of orbit and pull off a miracle. In a best ball format tomorrow, they will either be eating breakfast before I wake up, or they will ham-and-egg to an eagle on every hole. Either way, it is the perfect appetizer to the week.

Rory McIlroy - He said something about wanting to play Tiger and got all of the international press he, or his captain, never would have wanted. How does he respond? If this was in America, he'd fold faster than Bernard Langer over a four-footer. But, does he use the home country advantage to gain an edge?

The Molinari Brothers - They are not going out in the best ball, which is smart. Who better to play alternate shot together than two brothers? This could be Ballesteros-Olazabal 2.0 for the European team. Someday, smart people will write chapters in books about this pairing.

Bubba Watson and Jeff Overton - They are the anchor leg tomorrow, and both are rookies. I read about this online right as the Golf Channel was airing replays of the 2004 disaster at Oakland Hills, where Hal Sutton out-thought himself with the disastrous Lefty-Tiger pairing. If Watson and Overton don't top it off the first tee, Corey Pavin will be breathing easier. But, if they go down 6&5 (which is what I fear will happen), we might be clamoring for Paul Azinger before lunch tomorrow.

C'mon boys! Keep it close and give me something to yell at come Sunday morning!

A reprieve

As somebody who never felt comfortable jumping on the Tiger Woods bandwagon, even when he was rocking tournaments easier than Perkins waitresses (too easy), I am officially giving Sir Eldrick a reprieve from his public humiliation and gleeful fall from superstardom. Yes, I am a Tiger Woods fan this week. Why? Because he's an American damnit.

Friday marks the start of the greatest sporting event that doesn't start with Super or end with Madness. The Ryder Cup has turned downright spiteful over the past two decades because Europe started competing. And, now, outside of soccer, it is an international competition where the United States of America is a realistic underdog. If you didn't cheer out loud in 2008 at Valhalla, you weren't watching it. Sure, it's golf (and I am a little obsessed with the sport), but the most unintelligible fans can enjoy it.

And then, Rory McIlroy had to go ahead and do it last month and today. Nothing against Rory, but you don't flex that type of blind arrogance unless you are #1 the best or #2 an obnoxious American. Read Tiger's three-word, two-answer, response to Rory's callout. Pure, awesome, American-infused badassness (add that word to the dictionary). I've spent months silently admiring the fall off the mountain for Tiger, but I read those words today, smiled, got blinded by a flash of red, white and blue, and secretly prayed that the Ryder Cup comes down to a singles match between Woods and McIlroy.

If only my life could be that sweet this weekend!

Mancation

This weekend, a few of us have escaped to a house on a lake to do what every man does when given a gorgeous weekend on the water... Watch football. It could be sunny, 85 and packed with loose-moraled women and their will still be an ass groove on the couch for 8 hours tomorrow. Unfortunately, this week has all of the makings of a total letdown. Why? Remember the stacked weekend of college games two weeks ago? All we got out of that was Michigan-Notre Dame. Everything else... Lame. And then last weekend, with nothing to really keep our attention, we get thrillers.

So, in honor of the masculine overload of the weekend, we are going to make sure all of the games are close by picking them that way, because there is still no science to understanding who is good this year...

#16 Stanford at Notre Dame +4.5
The luck of the Irish is apparently just an expression. Although, I guess there is no luck when your special teams is woefully unprepared for a fake FG attempt; or your secondary is too slow to rundown the Michigan QB. Stanford is unbelievably impressive so far, and is there a hotter stock in coaching than Jim Harbaugh? This week will be a very easy theme for this week: Best QB wins. In this case, Andrew Luck is infinitely better. Not for the long run, maybe, but at this stage, absolutely.
Stanford 42, Notre Dame 35

West Virginia at LSU -10
Ten points?!?! Vegas knows something that I just don't. LSU will win and play good defense, but they are as shaky at QB as the NFC West. But, what is our rule? Best QB wins. Okay, I guess there are some exceptions. But, I think this game is a BOB; The Tigers are just too shaky under center to cover the 10.
LSU 27, West Virginia 20

#12 South Carolina at #17 Auburn -3
I doubted Team Spurrier two weeks ago and it backfired, mainly because I did not respect the Cocks defense enough. And, honestly, don't we always underestimate the Cocks defense? But, on the road in the middle of nowhere Alabama? The Tigers were the darling, black sheep pick in the SEC this year, and the War Eagle will be loud. Normally, I would say Garcia has a slight edge at the QB position, posing quite the dilemma at this stage. However, the ire of Spurrier is hard to fight, and Newton will shine at home.
Auburn 17, South Carolina 13

#24 Oregon State at #3 Boise State -18
If I was a doubter of the Cocks, I was a hater on Boise State so far this season. I am so sorry, Broncos. While Jaquez Rogers poses a problem, does anybody remember what the Broncos did to Va Tech's running game? Or how they went on the road last week to Wyoming and opened a mile-high can? And, back to our quaterback argument: Kellen Moore wins that battle without a fight. Everybody I am sharing a cottage with this weekend is betting (hypthetically) the Beavers. 18 is a lot. Not this time, Broncos, because I am finally a believer...
Boise State 41, Oregon State 20

#1 Alabama at #10 Arkansas +7
Where is Keith Jackson when I need him, because this is the granddaddy of them all. I am more excited for this than the entire week 2 schedule. I am now convinced that there are good teams this season, some great teams (most in the top 10), a couple of championship teams (OSU, Boise, Oregon) and then there is Alabama. A different league of team. They have the Heisman Trophy winner, who is honestly not as good as his backup. They have the best total package of wide receiver. They have gazelle speed on defense. And now the QB argument... Do you take Ryan Mallett and his arm and pro potential, or do you take Greg McElroy, who hasn't lost a game since he hit his Peter Brady stage. I take winners. And I take Alabama. Every time, every place. Now, the spread? I'm actually not going to pick this game against the spread (I'll push it)...
Alabama 27, Arkansas 20

So much for picking them close. If this weekend progresses the way I expect it to, a 50-point blowout should still be entertaining.

A Partial Recap

It wasn't a good week for Cover Two for a couple of shocking reasons...

1) Never one to get our content in on time (damn these real-world jobs), the theme for BTSG last week was exactly what Simmons wrote on ESPN.com. This has led us to three possible conclusions: We are either brilliant writers, there isn't a lot of different stuff to write about, or none of us (including the big timers) are that original to begin with. Ah well. So, in our efforts to not plagiarize, BTSG took a week off and will pick back up later this week.

2) Never, EVER, trust the Big Ten in college football. Ohio State will be good and the rest of the league will tease you more than a Lindsay Lohan sobriety night out.

Did we learn anything from football this past week? I think so...

- Alabama has the best running back in the country, only we don't know which one of them it is

- Boise State is going to do everything they can to beat the living crap out of teams so nobody forgets they exist

- Michigan State will give you a heart attack with their play calling. (I know, I know, too soon, but it's actually the truth, right?)

- Mascot fights are funny, even when they cross over the line and become inappropriate.

- Favorite stat of the weekend... Oregon has scored more points in their first three games (189) than minutes played (180)

- Brett Favre is old and tired but has plenty of time to wake up from his nap

- The Colts and Jets are FINE

- Randy Moss would make the Pro Bowl even if he lost the use of his left arm in a freak ninja sword fighting accident

- Having lost both of my starting RBs (Ryan Grant and Reggie Bush) in back-to-back weeks, be very afraid New England and Indy. All I have left on my sorry team is Wes Welker and Peyton Manning. Both will be donezo by week 5.

How We Fared...

Week 3 College: 3-1 picking winners (thank you, Iowa) ; 1-3 against the spread (including the guarantee on the Indiana cover); Yikes, this is why we don't support gambling.

Season: 14-4 on winners; 9-8 versus Vegas

BTSG: On hiatus (Simmons wins Week 2 by default)

Look at this weekend's college football lineup if you didn't already have plans. You will have them after you do.

College Football Week 3

I am going to get this entry out of the way for three reasons:

1) It is an abysmal weekend of college matchups. Last weekend was good on paper and failed to live up to the hype. Next weekend also has some juice.

2) BTSG is forthcoming

3) Let's spend some time talking about this week's big story, shall we? No, not women dressed like Mexican street workers in NFL locker rooms. Reggie Bush giving back the Heisman Trophy.

I just don't get it. I am all for the policing of the sports to avoid rampant cheating, because lord only knows how some coaches (see Calipari, John) just flaunt it almost publicly get away with it all. No program should have a leg up on another because of some rich boosters! Oh wait, the NCAA doesn't hold schools accountable for building bigger, better and glitzier facilities. They can't prevent some from getting better shoe deals. So, money does influence a recruit. (This opinion, and entry as a whole, will wind up being littered with hypocrisy. Just take a Tylenol now before the headache starts)

USC should be punished for not knowing what was going on. Done. They got in trouble and deserve it. Let's not make this too complicated.

But, should Reggie Bush give back the Heisman? Didn't he win it for being the best college football player in America one season? Has that fact changed because his parents got a free mortgage? His amateurism is void, but his position on the field as an athlete was unchanged. Is this a moral punishment?

If the trophy was taken away (excuse me, given back) as a symbol of Reggie's failure as a representation of the award, then I would like to publicly ask that the following also be returned under this new mentality...

The 1968 Heisman Trophy

This was mentioned a few billion times this week, but if what Reggie did was enough to tarnish the Heisman, how about the Juice and his fondness for filleting people?!

Almost Every Baseball MVP Award since 1988

While we're on it, how about asking for the individual awards back from people who actually enhanced their on-field performance. Do yourself a favor... Go read the complete list and count how many you would let keep the award. It's a staggeringly low number.

The 1999 Academy Award for Best Actor

The Y2K Virus scare must have had everybody distracted that year because Roberto Benigni won the award for a non-English-speaking movie where he rides around on a bicycle smiling. Tom Hanks would've gotten the trifecta that year and juggled on stage. Then, people would have really smiled. (And Edward Norton, who rolled through roles back then like a robot, in American History X). I want justice.

Okay, enough of this game. There are too many others to think about and I don't want to ruin my weekend. Here are your college games of note:

#3 Boise State @ Wyoming +23.5

This is the start of the "Look at the size of that bullseye" on the back of the Broncos. That Virginia Tech embarrassment last weekend doesn't help with the naysayers. Plus, you go on the road to a high-altitude city where this game will be the last memorable event in Laramie until the tundra defrosts next March. Unfortunately, the Cowboys just aren't good anymore in the Mountain West. However, I spent 4 long days in Laramie in the middle of winter and know how hard it can be to get motivated. I think the home team rides enough momentum to cover [remember, Cover Two does not support betting on sports; just making the picks more interesting], as they did a good job containing Texas a week ago from big points. Yep, it's a B.O.B., even though there is no money line on Boise, because, well, they will win.

Boise State 31 - Wyoming 10

#9 Iowa @ #24 Arizona -1

This is not a must-win, but more of a must-show-up game for both. Iowa needs it to be considered a title threat. Zona needs it to prove they are in the big time. Lots of factors in play here against the Hawkeyes (late game in a west coast time zone, road dog, hot weather). I think the Big Ten is 3-5 teams legit at the top this year, so Iowa can't fail me yet...

Iowa 24 - Arizona 20

#10 Florida @ Tennessee -14

This game used to be compelling. Tennessee did everything right and watched Oregon hand them a tie game at halftime last week, and then got demolished. I don't think Florida lets up enough (even as a young team) to do that. Gators come alive this week with that youth...

Florida 38 - Tennessee 21

Arizona State @ #13 Wisconsin -13

In case you didn't notice, it's Pac 10/Big 10 Challenge week. No challenge here. If Iowa could face trouble going somewhere warm, I think the Sun Devils fare far worse going into a loud and physical environment (it won't be cold, but it'll be a LOT cooler than Tempe)

Wisconsin 31 - Arizona State 17

[Riding the Big Ten will hurt me this week, I can feel it]

If you need easy money, Indiana is only giving 13 points on the road at Western Kentucky. The Hilltoppers are atrocious. I saw Indiana in person to open the college football season. They may not stop anybody all year, but they can score enough to cover two touchdowns, even on the road.

Save your energy on Saturday, NFL Sunday should be better.

This Week's Recap

I am feeling a bit hungover from the weekend, especially when ESPN throws two MNF games at you to ice the cake. What did we learn from this weekend?

- If it looks like a catch, acts like a catch and LOOKS like a catch, it is NOT a catch. Note to Calvin Johnson: Next time you catch a game-winning TD, make sure you take the ball with you to bed that night. Never let it leave your sight.

- If the Colts offense mated with the Jets defense, you'd have a team that would go 38-0 and win 3 Super Bowls over the next 2 seasons. Yes, 3 Super Bowls. But, as they are right now, they are 0-1 teams with two cities in panic.

- Your defending college national champions are still REALLY good. Start engraving now, unless Ohio State learns how to cover on kicks.

- Boise State went from Week 1 darling to just another team that's as good as James Madison.

- Outside of the top 2 teams in the country, we still know nothing

- Back in the NFL, remember how the 49ers and Chargers were going to waltz to division titles? What, I didn't ever say that? Yeah, I didn't. Because there is no waltzing in the NFL, unless you are the Lions waltzing back to the top 10 in the draft.

- Dr. James Andrews is no longer a unique person, he is simply a figure of speech. Give him a dictionary entry. Reports speak of him like a regular procedure. Like getting Tommy John surgery, all injured athletes will forever be said to be "getting James Andrewsed" when they need to get their injured chicken wings examined.

How Cover Two fared over the long football weekend...

Week 2 College: 5-1 picking winners; 5-2 against the spread (including taking the under in the Mich-ND game; made it by a half point!)

Season: 11-3 picking winners; 8-5 against Vegas

Beat the Sports Guy: 9-7 (The Sports Guy was 7-7; different spreads utilized led to two pushes)

Time to stretch; next weekend is almost here.

College Football Week 2

If you bothered to pull yourself away from the Dave Matthews Band "dead mic" concert last night, and folded under the boredom of Brett Favre in preseason form, you probably caught a nice little battle (with a superior crowd to the Superdome) in the SEC. Auburn escaped Mississippi State by 3 last night, proving to me that compelling college football can hang with any gridiron game any weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I'm more excited for Sunday's professional games than Tiger is for his first post-divorce Vegas trip. But, it is hard to escape the reality of tomorrow: the slate of big-time college games is about as impressive as it could get. In fact, thanks to recent television history, I will argue that tomorrow offers more compelling games than New Years Day has in almost a decade. So, let's discuss the action, shall we?

DISCLAIMER: Look, you're going to get this every week from Murray and me. He coaches college kids. I broadcast (and am paid by) college sporting events. We do not support betting on sports. It is way too easy to just pick winners, so throwing the spread in there makes it juicy. Plus, there are plenty of nice, family-loving, kitten-saving gamblers out there who could use some free advice.

Michigan @ Notre Dame -3.5

How many Bud Bowls were there? The right answer is "not enough," but let's be honest, it was getting flat towards the end. (Sorry, that was too easy) As a kid, for some reason, Bud Bowl was the sideshow to the Super Bowl I couldn't wait for. Looking back on it, I now realize I only liked it because of the hype and the title. That is what Michigan and Notre Dame has become. Every year, it is billed as the "Rebirth of Two Storied Programs." One team loses and sucks for the rest of the season. The other team wins, and.... sucks for the rest of the season. Now, they both have gimmicky offensive coaches and a frisky fan base. The Wolverines are one bad step away from getting Pearled by the NCAA. Notre Dame couldn't score more than 23 against Purdue. This is a dead even matchup and will honestly come down to turnovers. 60% chance of rain tomorrow benefits the better running team.

I'll take Michigan to cover AND WIN a sloppy game 21-17. Oh, and the over/under is 52.5. I think that's a really easy play.

#7 Oregon @ Tennessee +12

Imagine if MTV hosted a singing/performance Battle Royale between Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears tomorrow. No contest, right? Christina wins with a first round TKO. It seems like such a simple answer. What about 9 years ago? Britney was coming off a billion #1 hits, the Pepsi deal and was just about to breakup with Justin Timberlake (the start of the downfall), all while Christina was slutting it up in "Dirrrty." That same year, Tennessee was #2 in the country, three years removed from a national championship and one bad game away from another one. That same year, remember Joey Harrington? Yeah, he was good in college. But, I remember the Phillip Fulmer teams. Now, put those two teams on paper in 2010 and all you want is to form the T, throw on some orange and talk about the Volunteers. But, then you realize they dumped the best man in their life (Fulmer), got mixed up with some shady business (Kiffin) and don't know how to date the right guy (Dooley), so much so that they need lessons on how to properly shower. Sure, Oregon disappeared for a year (they lost to Indiana for God's sake), but they have always produced and now look like the better program in hindsight, and one can argue (gasp) better in the last decade.

It's a lot of points, but after the New Mexico slaughter last week, I like Oregon to put a home whopping on Tennessee 45-21

#22 Georgia @ #24 South Carolina -3

A few weeks ago, I was shopping at a bargain store and I found a name-brand pair of slacks for a really good price. Perfect size, nice style, perfect fit. Everything you would want. The first time I went to the restroom, I discovered the the fly is about 25% shorter than any I had ever experienced. Now, this presents a number of problems most (especially women) wouldn't understand. It was laborious just to get myself out of the pants in time to hit the head. And putting it back? Let's just say it I should have brought a crowbar and some Sham Wows to clean up afterwards. What a disappointment after everything aesthetically had worked out so well. The Gamecocks are that pair of pants. Everything about them, including the Ol' Ball Coach are the perfect designer on the outside. Then, you put them to work and something just doesn't work and never lives up to your expectation. If AJ Green hadn't have sold his jersey for some easy cash, I think it is easy to take UGA in this matchup.

Georgia by 1, 21-20

#17 Florida State @ #10 Oklahoma -7

I really like Christian Ponder, the QB for the 'Noles. In the games I saw last year, he was what I envisioned FSU missing for so many years since they were a relevant power. Surprisingly athletic, with a nice arm. Oklahoma gave up enough yards in the air against Utah State last weekend to qualify for that uber-elite frequent flyer club in a George Clooney movie, complete with a platinum membership card for the Utah State offensive coordinator. I think this could be a good ol fashioned shootout and so does Vegas. In the end, I think Oklahoma takes advantage of the home crowd, but I want so badly for FSU to win this game because I think they should, I'll give them the cover.

Oklahoma wins on a last-second scoring drive 38-35

#18 Penn State @ #1 Alabama -12

I really don't have a lot to say here. I think Bama is superior in almost every category. It's a good test for them, but motivation is at an all-time high. The crowd will be crazier than a 3-year-old unleashed on a bag of Pixie Stix. They haven't played since 1990, but most remember those meetings like they were yesterday. I don't care about the number. I don't care about Mr. Heisman being out for another week. Tide rolls.

Bama 31 - Penn State 10

#12 Miami @ #2 Ohio State -8.5

A lot has happened since the last time these two teams met. Maurice Clarrett has lived life from the Keith Richards school of body treatment. I owe Craig Krenzel $5 for a golf match debt. And the Hurricanes owe most of South Beach at least 5 years of good football to makeup for the garbage fire the past few seasons. Anybody who watched the 30-for-30 documentary about The U in the 1980s knowns what Miami hasn't been the past few seasons. While the two teams aren't the same in terms of scheme, the are eerily similar. Athletic, mobile, dual-threat QB with some decent weapons around him. On the other side, a notorious D (one fast, one physical) to try and slow the other down. Last weekend proved to me one thing (likely misguided): I firmly believe that Ohio State and Alabama will meet for the national championship. And they should, because I don't think Boise State is all the way there and neither is anybody else. In order for that to happen...

Buckeyes win 27-17

What do I feel good about this week? Almost nothing. That's why we don't support betting, remember? I do feel good about this though: amazing football will be on TV almost non-stop starting at Noon tomorrow. Enjoy!

BTSG -- Week 1

If you are familiar with Bill Simmons (ESPN's 'The Sports Guy"), you know that every year he picks every NFL game against the spread, and tracks his record. Each column in which he does this is posted between 2-3 pm on Friday (not that I ever get bored at work or anything).

Last season, I decided to take him on (unbeknownst to him), and picked every NFL game against the spread, in an effort to beat his overall record by season's end. That lasted through Week 8, when I got tied up with a few other things, and didn’t have time to continue. I have refocused and rededicated myself to see it all the way trough for this season.
One man. One goal. Beat The Sports Guy.

DISCLAIMER: As a coach, I feel a responsibility to include the fact that I do not - under any circumstances - condone gambling or betting on games. This is being done strictly for (my own) entertainment purposes. That having been said....


BTSG – Week One
Making picks in the opening week of the regular season is almost impossible. No one really knows what to expect, or how teams will match up with each other. Will a team’s rookie tight end who caught two TD passes in the fourth quarter of a preseason game against the Seahawks really contribute in the regular season? How will the players that held out all preseason play? Will the Raiders ever be able to pick up the pieces after the departure of JaMarcus Russell? No one really knows. Week One of the NFL season is like being in an NCAA Tournament pool where the winner is some clueless chick who picked the winners because of their pretty colors.

Because of that, instead of diving into this week’s matchups like usual, I have opted to compare each NFL team to a celebrity, followed by my picks at the end. Enjoy!

Arizona Cardinals – Lady Gaga; Are they a running team? Are they a passing team? Deciding on Arizona’s offensive identity is like guessing Lady Gaga’s gender. You could make a case either way.

Atlanta Falcons – Ron Artest; Artest just won an NBA championship, but all I will remember him for is attacking the wrong fan in the palace. Same thing with the Falcons. Sure they have a good, young QB and a solid fantasy running back. All that ever enters my mind about the Falcons is Jamal Anderson doing the dirty bird dance, and Hugh Millen as their QB in Tecmo Super Bowl.
(By the way, am I the only one who noticed he went after the wrong guy? The guy he went after was just standing there enjoying the NBA brawl, when Ron-Ron stormed after him. I love watching his facial expression change when he realizes Ron-Ron is coming at him. You can almost see the exact moment he craps himself.)

Baltimore Ravens – Dennis Rodman (circa 2001); They’ve won a championship, and they’re known for defense. That doesn’t change the fact that some things about them just don’t make sense. The QB is from Delaware. The RB is from Rutgers. Their biggest star is a murderer (allegedly) who is also a momma’s boy. It’s just weird.

Buffalo Bills, Tampa Bay Bucs, Seattle Seahawks, Carolina Panthers – Jonas Brothers; A few things about these teams might be catchy. Every once in a while, they might win a game or two. But no one is really going to take them seriously, because you know deep down, they know they’re a fraud.

Chicago Bears, Pittsburgh Steelers, Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs – Jeff Foxworthy; Each of these teams has a large, loyal fan base. And unless you are a part of that fan base, you just find these teams – and all those who cheer for them – annoying. Also, I think it would be completely possible (maybe even probable) that a Chief fan could win a ‘We have a better QB starting Week One than you do’ argument than a fan from Chicago or Pittsburgh. Unreal.

Cincy Bengals – Snooki; Whether she is tit-high trying to break up a fight between Jwoww and Angelina, or eating a whole pickle, there is just something entertaining about Snooki. Same thing with the Bengals this year. With Ochocinco, TO, and Pacman, I will make it a point to watch every Bengals game that I can.

Dallas Cowboys – Paris Hilton; Lots of money. Big, warm houses. Far, far too many issues to ignore. I can also get behind a theory that Wade Philips is like the NFL version of the Paris Hilton sex tape. You know you’d watch it, but you know for damn sure you wouldn’t enjoy one second of it. Just ask Jerry Jones.

Denver Broncos – Jessica Simpson; For about two years, the Broncos were the hottest thing going in the NFL. Now, they are just beat up, ragged, and have completely let themselves go. The only thing that would make this comparison more appropriate would be in the Broncos could somehow get screwed by the Cowboys.

Detroit Lions – Britney Spears; How many times has B. Spears completely screwed up her life in the past five years? Exactly. About the same number of times the Lions have drafted a WR with their first draft pick. You’d think they would learn, but they just never do. You know you have fallen from grace as a starlet when your body guard files a lawsuit against you for sexual harassment. Just like when you have a coach that gets arrested for going through a Wendy’s drive thru buck naked. It just doesn’t get much more embarrassing than that.
(Also, I LOVE Spears’ reaction when the bodyguard walks in on her naked, per her request. Spears has him get her two bottles of 7-Up. It’s too ridiculous to make up. It must be true.)

Green Bay Packers – Betty White; Storied franchise that has been through it all. The ups. The downs. Everything. And now, despite the long odds as this point in age, they are making a serious comeback and are a legit A-list team for winning the Super Bowl.

Houston Texans – Keanu Reeves; Just good enough to be on people’s radar, but never quite good enough to be considered an elite entity in their profession. Mostly, you have to rely on special effects (big plays) and supporting cast (opponent turnovers) to be successful.

Indianapolis Colts – Oprah; Some love them. Some hate them. But you know they are going to win 12 games and get into the playoffs at the very least. Same with Oprah. You may not like her, but you know for sure she is going to be successful, and she already has billions more banked than you do.

Jacksonville Jaguars, Miami Dolphins – Kate Goslyn; Looks good on the surface, than you look at the team roster, and realize you have gotten way more than you bargained for, and not in a ‘what a great deal’ way. Like, if you told your buddy you were going to ask out the Jaguars or the Dolphins, he would surely give you the nod of encouragement, especially when he considered Maurice Jones-Drew and Ronnie Brown. Then, when you drop them off after the first date, you couldn’t help but notice the fact that David Garrard and Chad Henne are their QBs. You tell your buddy why they are never getting a call back. He understands.

Minnesota Vikings – Hugh Hefner; Really old, and way past his prime. Still, he gets it done, and no one can deny that.

New England Patriots – Tom Cruise; The Pats have had some legendary performances in the past, but there are times when everyone has to stop and question whether or not they are dealing with reality. Like, do they really think they can let go everyone on their roster with any NFL experience and still be successful? That is the NFL’s version of Scientology.

New York Giants, Tennessee Titans, Saint Louis Rams – Baldwin brothers; I will watch them play, but I will never become emotionally invested in a game just because they are playing.

New York Jets - Kanye West; Despite the fact that what Rex Ryan is talking about makes sense, it is just annoying that he is ALWAYS trying to get in the spotlight. Still, at the end of the day, you have to give props to the product they put on the field.
(And if you never do anything else I ever suggest, please, for the love of GOD, watch Mike Myers’ reaction while Kanye West talks after Hurricane Katrina

New Orleans Saints – Jennifer Aniston; After Hurricane Angelina blew through town and swept away her dude on her way to adopting all of Somalia, and most portions of Sierra Leone, you can’t help but find yourself rooting for Aniston.

Oakland Raiders – Michael Jackson; The team hasn’t showed signs of life in recent memory, yet people still wear their jerseys and reminisce about days gone by.

Philadelphia Eagles – Kevin from ‘The Office’; Honestly, who trades their starting quarterback to a division rival? It’s just stupid.

San Diego Chargers – Dwight Schrute; Completely convinced they are the best around, but can never, ever get the job done when it counts. Nonetheless, it is always entertaining when their inevitable collapse takes place.

San Francisco 49ers – Will Smith; Sure, some of the better days are behind them, but there is still reason to believe they can be contenders in the future. Also kind of funny how the 49ers coined the West Coast Offense, and are now the type of team to pound the rock and play smash mouth football. Kind of like how a certain someone started out as a rapper and TV star, and has now evolved into a mega movie star. Hmmm..... Damn, am I like 27-for-27 with these comparisons or what?

Washington Redskins – Entire cast of “Saved By The Bell: The College Years”; Is Dan Snyder serious about what he has done with this roster? Has he figured out a way to save the roster from this season and import it into Madden 2004 or something? Clinton Portis, Donovan McNabb, Willie Parker, Larry Johnson, Joey Galloway, London Fletcher, Phillip Buchanon? Seriously, this has to be the odds-on-favorite to win the 2004 Super Bowl.

(My pick in CAPS)
VIKINGS (+6.5) at Saints
DOLPHINS (+3.5) at Bills
LIONS (+6.5) at Bears
Raiders at TITANS (-6.5)
BENGALS (+5.5) at Patriots
BRONCOS (+2.5) at Jaguars
Panthers at GIANTS (-7.5)
FALCONS (-2.5) at Steelers
BROWNS (+2.5) at Bucs
COLTS (-3.5) at Texans
49ERS (-2.5) at Seahawks
PACKERS (-1.5) at Eagles
CARDINALS (-3.5) at Rams
Cowboys at REDSKINS (+3.5)
RAVENS (+3.5) at Jets
CHARGERS (-5.5) at Chiefs

The Joy of Hard Knocks

How many minutes of preseason NFL football did you watch this year? How many hours of Hard Knocks did you watch? If you answered more for the former, you need to check your man card. There is more testosterone and football in one episode than any non-week-3 preseason game. (And, if you don't have HBO, just get it. They win more Emmys with less shows than the network you are watching)

So, to help celebrate tonight's final episode, here is a compilation of lessons learned from this season. [Note: As I alluded to in a earlier post, I am aware that the good people at Awful Announcing already covered this, beating me to the topic, but I had the notes going for the entire season, so I had to see it to fruition]

NFL Films has more power than the CIA

The good people that brought us the memorable slow-motion videos of the frozen tundra and the mic'd sounds of Hank Stram somehow continue to stay current and classy. Of course, the New York Jets made this season perfect for the show, running their mouths like a Muhammad Ali-Deion Sanders lovechild. And somehow, Steve Sabol gets all access. Everything from Rex Ryan's lunch table to the car phone conversations of the GM. I feel like I know the Jets franchise more than my grandparents. Makes you think there is still journalism alive if it comes in the form of all-access. This show will continue to be good until teams like the Jets, Ravens and Bengals aren't available anymore. Do you ever see the Patriots or Colts on this show? Yep, didn't think so.

I Want Revis $$$

I honestly didn't think the guy would get signed. As much as the Jets endeared themselves to me in all of this, I wanted Revis to hold out for the entire year. I get it... with no guaranteed contracts, holdouts make sense. But with three years left on your contract?!? Stones. I wrote my original note that I would take his previous salary. But, now that he got his, he better intercept 15 balls this year, knock Randy Moss out of commission and become Mark Sanchez's #1 target. (How awesome was Rex Ryan going Postal on Revis' agents in the final episode. Go get 'em big guy! - And then I am made nauseous by how they welcome him back in the final seconds and let him break down practice)

Speaking of Mark Sanchez

He went from my fantasy sleeper to "Give me Matt Leinart" all while watching the show. Sanchez is the small-town guy who was class President, football Captain, Valedictorian and Prom King all rolled into one bright-eyed college freshman. He joined a Fraternity, won an on-campus election and found a nice girl because his bravado carried him through the early days. Then, he realized that everybody else did the same thing and he got a little panicky. Sanchez hasn't struggled yet, but did anything in any episode lead you to believe he won't have a nasty sophomore slump. The good news? He's got a helluva RB corps. Oh, and I drafted Dustin Keller in my fantasy league. Why? Because a scared QB needs to dump it off... often.

Antonio Cromartie Needs a Vasectomy

This is verbatim from my iPhone notes taken when watching episode 2. Then, it was verbatim from the aforementioned AA article. To honor who had it first, all I will say is this: When you have more than a half dozen kids under the age of three, and it takes some serious brain scratching to remember their names, you better be the second-coming of Darrelle Revis. Or get paid like him.

How Hard is it to be an NFL Owner?

Daniel Snyder overpays for free agents. Al Davis is in love with speed. Jerry Jones needed a big screen large enough to promote his chiseled face. How many owners treat their franchise worse than a three-year-old with his first set of Lincoln Logs? Or others that sit back, cut the fat and watch the money roll in. And then we were introduced to Woody Johnson. I'll invest in his company any day. Lets his employees do the work, gives advice when needed, is present and involved to a point. And then, when a situation warrants his attention (Revis), he plays ball. He capped off his Hard Knocks performance by saying, "We're in New York. You can't hustle us." Smart, savvy and sophisticated.

Steve Weatherford is My Hero

I almost cried when the show teased that he might not get his spot back as the team's punter. Because his gag was priceless. He bought everybody on the team a Shake Weight. High comedy ensued. Someday, when I am living on a pile of blog-earned money, I will be able to buy hundreds of gimmicky crap things as a gag and the world with erupt in laughter. Thank you, Steve Weatherford.

Danny Woodhead Needs More Preseason

Nothing like a 5'9" white guy to bring some drama and Rudy to Hard Knocks. They made him look like Mark Wahlberg in Invincible, only smarter. Of course I wanted him to make the team. Everybody loves the underdog story. His versatility on a team handcuffed by a 53-man roster won him a spot, and highlights just how difficult building a complete team in the NFL can be. Do we expect him to torment first-team defenses in the league? And, in watching the show alone, you can't tell me that Chauncey Washington is a worse NFL running back than Danny Woodhead. Oh well... it's an easier call from my La-Z-Boy.

My Son Will Get Punished by Mike Westhoff

I love how the first interaction with the Jets Special Teams Coach was to tell the story of his bone cancer and subsequent life unable to walk. Humanized him and really made for an incredible story. And then he turned into Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket. He was what every American should envision when they think of a hard-ass football coach. My son is yet to be born and I know that I will use DVR'd video of Westhoff to scare him straight. It will be better than timeout or the silent treatment. (Last second edit: Vintage Westhoff in the closing episode. His profanity laced rant on backup linebackers had me in tears)

Signup Liev Schreiber to Voiceover My Life

Honestly, I don't know why Sabretooth bothers acting. Sure, he is fine at doing it, but the man gargles with silk water. If only he would have narrated episodes of The Hills maybe I would have stuck the final seasons out with my wife. Maybe the Jets aren't interesting. Maybe 24-7 doesn't get me amped up for boxing fights. Maybe I just need to have a daily conversation with Liev. Now, watch out for Jon Hamm. He's coming for your job!

I Want to Fail Joe McKnight's Conditioning Test

Highlight 20 seconds of the season: A slow-motion shot of rookie Joe McKnight running on the field. Ripped, fast and RIPPED. Over the top of that image of masculine jealousy is Liev calmly stating that the rookie failed his conditioning test. Seriously?!? McKnight could break my ankles standing up from a chair. This isn't Albert Haynesworth, showing up with a beef, both in attitude and rolls around his stomach. If McKnight isn't in condition, I don't want to know what I am. No amount of P90X could make me look like that. The NFL player pedestal just got higher from my average-man level.

And when it is all said and done, there are your 2010 J.E.T.S Jets, Jets, Jets. Do they win the Super Bowl? (I don't think so - not enough O) Does Darrelle Revis blowout a hamstring in the first few games? (Wouldn't that be just?) Does Antonio Cromartie father a baker's dozen by the end of the year? Stay tuned for Hard Knocked Up, later this season.

Week 1 College Recap

Well wasn't that a nice shot in the arm. Tell me you didn't walk into work today with a little extra pep in your step, fresh off the start of the college football season, culminating in the ultimate icing-on-the-cake game last night. So, to summarize...

- TCU looked good on both sides of the ball and deserves their top 4 ranking

- Alabama is your champion until somebody beats them, or tops Julio Jones' catch

- Tim Tebow became a bigger legend with how Florida performed without him

- Turner Gill is already on the Hot Seat

- Either New Mexico is getting rid of their football program, or Oregon will win a national championship.

- Ditto for Houston Nutt, although everybody should remember this warning: Never, NEVER EVER, play a non-conference game against a school from Florida. I don't care if they are Division 5-AAAA. Don't do it.

- I was actually impressed with Michigan, Ohio State and Wisconsin, giving me more reason to think the Big Ten will be a top 3 football conference this year, and (gasp) make a good run at a national title

- While I didn't think Boise State could handle the ranking, they showed good resolve after choking away that game last night. However, as good as the game was, did either team make you think, "Wow, they could win the whole thing?" I just don't. Va Tech was wishy-washy in the passing game (and they are now 0-1) and Boise State was unable to maintain pressure (on both sides) against athleticism for 4 quarters. We won't be able to test that theory until January in the BCS Title Game.

On to the (fake) money and predictions... Cover Two went 6-2 in picking winners and 3-3 against the spread (counting the USC-Hawaii OVER) - And how about Vegas?!? Three previewed games last week went to a push. Crazy smart!

Breathe deeply, hydrate and prepare for this coming weekend. Besides the NFL, how about Miami-OSU, Bama-Penn State, Florida State-Oklahoma, Oregon-Tennessee, Georgia-South Carolina?!?! I am speechless, for now...

College Football Week 1

While my wittier and more inspired partner summons his actual expertise about college football to draft his own preview, I am launching my own weekly feature where we will examine the week of university gridiron games and make some picks sure to go wrong. Don't forget, Murray will be picking all NFL games against the spread in his attempt to dominate the Sports Guys predictions, so why not have some fun with some college lines?

(Required PCC Disclaimer: This blog does not support betting on sports, even though I may feel that smart betting is an easy way to make money, until you blow it all in the online sportsbook casino because you are a degenerate gambler with no money to actually gamble with)

So, without further ado, your week 1 games of interest:

Towson @ Indiana -28.5

I know, I know. "Why the hell should I care about this game?" Because I am going to it in order to get as early of a college football fix as possible. Indiana picked a bad year to be mediocre again. They will breeze through the non-conference and then run into the buzz saw that will be the Big Ten. Indiana fans have hope thanks to good skill positions on offense, stability in recruiting and a new football facility. In the end, it's Indiana football. If they really want to be taken seriously this season, this is a game where you need to put a Spurrier-Grossman-esque non-conference beatdown on some fools. I'm talkin 78-0 "wow, my team is good, but I was embarrassed to cheer at some points" beatdown. This is where Vegas is brilliant - no idea about what the spread might be, but throwing that half point on top of a 4 touchdown cover really makes you scratch your head. This game might provide me with my first Bet On Both (from this point forward known as the BOB rule): There is no way Indiana loses and no way they cover. I am not as confident in the latter, but it might rain tonight and IU is running last year's scout defense on the field to start the season, including two converted offensive players back in the secondary.

Indiana wins 41-14 giving up a garbage TD late to ruin the cover. It's a BOB; barely

Marshall @ #2 Ohio State -28

Either Marshall is a lot better than Towson (that was sarcastic) or Ohio State is less impressive than Indiana (now, I am just screwing with you). While the world tunes into tOSU and the Vest's debut on the Big Ten Network, the parents of the crew calling the Indiana-Towson tussle will give the BTN their only viewers in the JV match. Does Ohio State play like a team people to pick to win a national championship (Will Ferrell in Talladega Nights) and leave an impression , or do they go through the motions (Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro) banking on their track record to carry the performance? The Herd got annihilated in Blacksburg in a similar game last year and welcome a new coach (Doc Holliday, former assistant at Florida, not played by Val Kilmer), who, replaced five-year coach Mark Snyder, former D-Coordinator for The Vest at Ohio State. Oh snap! Exact some revenge, Tressell!

Ohio State wins 35-3

So. Miss @ South Carolina -14

I really would love to have this be my opening TV game. SEC school. The Ol' Ball Coach. Goosebumb Introduction. Then, after a few plays, I'd lose interest. Cocks will win because they should. It will be sloppy.

South Carolina wins 27-13 (No bet ramifications here)

#15 Pittsburgh @ Utah -3

Make a mental note. This game is on Versus. You know, that TV station that has IndyCar racing, hunting, hockey and bull riding. The station that still hasn't crept its way into my rotation when bored and flipping. This might be the best game of the weekend. Pitt is ranked and GETTING points on the road. Why? The Utes have won 18-straight at home, have one last year in the MWC before joining the big boys on the west coast and, well, they are good. This is what is so hard about forecasting college football. We don't know anything. I don't care about practice reports or fat, dweebs blogging about inside information. Until they play the games, you just don't know. I've got a gut feeling about Dave Wannstedt and the Panthers this season. They were playing tough and inspired at the end of last season. Perfect to go into a tough environment. I definitely take the points in this situation, and I'll go for the all-out victory.

Pittsburgh 20, Utah 17

#14 USC @ Hawaii

No spread posted on this game because I only have it in here for one reason. The over/under is 54. You're telling me that this opening game with two teams that have exploded offensively over the past decade are only going to manage 27 a piece? Yeah, it's a big number, but I like offense out of the gate for both teams.

Don't care about the score, just do it a lot!

#24 Oregon State @ #6 TCU -13.5

Holy Action, Batman, that's a lot of points! TCU was a fun story last year. A little too fun. They lost some playmakers on defense and, as I talked about in my season preview about Boise State, it is hard for the little guy to live up to expectations when the bullseye is finally there. Now, to open the season at home with a big game is different. Oh, and Oregon State was 1-4 last year against ranked opponents AND got violated by another Mountain West soon-to-be traitor, BYU, in a bowl game.

TCU wins AND COVERS 31-17

(Wow, there are a ton of good games this weekend. Cancel the tee time and contract recalled-egg disease)

Purdue @ Notre Dame -11

Why this game? It's got local relevance, but in reality, this would be like sitting down on the couch to watch a Rocky marathon only to realize that you've missed the first four movies, when the franchise was relevant, good and entertaining. Such is this matchup. At least both schools upgraded coaches, allegedly. While I am hoping for a total train wreck, I am putting all of my stock in Dayne Crist to propel the Irish to a big victory. Why? Because he has the sexy QB name that Robert Marve was denied at birth. You would have had better luck with Boring McDull.

Irish win but don't cover in a close one. Let's just say 7-6 with 200 penalty yards and 8 turnovers

#21 LSU vs. #18 North Carolina +6

This is a spread where Vegas and I are on the same page. LSU is off a mini slide recently, but you know they'll be well coached, fast and athletic. UNC players are more recognizable at illegal Miami parties than Tony Montana. Can Butch Davis really bring his team into this game, through the muck, and get a signature win to start the season? Yep, I don't think so either. It's a bloodbath defensively, which makes the 6 points hard to gamble with, so...

LSU 17 - UNC 13

#3 Boise State vs. #10 Virginia Tech +2

There is really only one way to predict or bet this game. You have to ask yourself this question: Do you trust Boise State to be as good as people say they are? It really is a simple question. I remember how they looked last year in the Fiesta Bowl. Faced a good (not great) opponent and won a battle. Solid, solid team effort. I just don't have the faith coming in to this season. I'll take Beamer Ball on a neutral field.

VA Tech 22 - Boise 18 (Why the score? Who cares.)

FINAL DISCLAIMER - Again, I don't bet on sports (unless you count a friendly fantasy football, or if I had disposable income), but if I did: I really only consider NONE. Man, Vegas is good at this. Bet the OSU cover and the USC over if you have to. I expect to eat a ton of crow on Tuesday morning for all of this, including my distrust of Boise State.

I hate the first week of the season. We are all idiots...

- Will

Your Arbitrary College Football Preview

How many college football previews have you read? Enough. Well, here comes another one, and it is based on nothing but guts, stupid logic and ego. So, without further ado, here is my top 8 prediction for the season. Why eight? See below.

Preface - This is not a preseason, midseason or postseason ranking. This is what I think are the top 8 teams in the nation for this season. Should be right now and at the end of the season

#8 - Boise State

Call me unwilling to accept Butler in the Championship Game. But, the little guys climbing to the top of the mountain just doesn't seem possible, not when the big boys are recruiting/paying better, building better and playing (consistently) better. Boise State has been the sexy, household name. But now? They are a pick to win it all. Enjoy that bullseye boys. I just don't think they dodge enough arrows to stay in the top 5. They'll lose once and that's all it takes.

#7 - Iowa

They will be the rich girl prom date of 2010. Looks good when you pick her up, delivers the whole night, flirts well and then leaves you with turquoise nuts at the end of the night. The Hawkeyes were awesome a few years back, when you just knew that Kirk Ferentz would leave. He didn't, they got worse and then "Hello!" they're back. Just like Boise, a lot of big expectations, and a schedule that will wet your appetite (cupcakes, big boys at home) until Ohio State comes in on November 20th. I'm guessing that will be a top 5 battle. You know who I think will win.

#6 - Texas

No Colt McCoy, no problem. Ummm... How many times did Mack Brown stroke Colt's awesomeness last year? He knows something. That's all I need. They won't be a top 5 team. But they are Texas.

#5 - Oklahoma

I have no idea why Oklahoma will be a top 5 team. They are due for a Red River win? People smarter than me really like their chances? Bob Stoops is no longer elite, so he needs to prove himself? Sure, all of the above. (What, you got a problem with that prediction? What if I get it right? A complete shot in the dark. That's how much this prediction business is worth)

#4 & #3 - Florida and Alabama

There should be two national championships. Like the good ol' days. I want a Nebraska-Michigan split. Only this time, it goes to the SEC champion. The SEC is the NFL of college football. It's faster, bigger, better and just intimidating as hell week to week. Neither of these teams will breathe from the beginning of October to the end of November. If, for some reason, they make it to the SEC title game undefeated, the winner should automatically get rings, a trophy and all of the bling that normally comes from their boosters. Nick Saban got 10 minutes of smiling in after the championship game. Urban Meyer healed his panic attacks by taking a leave of absence that lasted shorter than a routine physical. Oh yeah, bring it on SEC!

(So, that leaves two teams that waltz into the top 2 because of the beating alluded to above)

#2 - USC

I hate rooting for blatantly obvious cheaters. Especially programs that cheat, and then hire a dirtier coach. I was on the USC bandwagon for the Pete Carroll era and loved every minute of it. USC was the cocky bully from high school who could beat your ass, but then show up in the principal's office and eloquently talk his way out of trouble. You loved to hate them because they were so damn good. They should've won it all after Joe McKnight carried them down the field in the Horseshoe last year. They didn't. Now, they can't play for anything. I'd like to say that they'll run the table with their middle finger in the air the whole time. Snoop Dog style biatch! But, I'll slot them in here because of a number of questions (Barkley's development, defensive talent to replace, media confusion)

#1 - Ohio State

I really like the balance of the schedule (@Wiscy and @Iowa are spread out). I really like Pryor 3.0 (or at least the thought of it). I like the Vest. I like how they have rebuilt their roster to compete a little better with the fast teams since the title game meltdowns. What's not to like? Yep, that's sufficient evidence.

But, does that mean Ohio State is your national champion? Maybe not. Why? Because we have a playoff. Yes, a playoff! Novel idea isn't it? It's my preview, so I've cut through all of the politics and university presidents and made the playoff happen

Quarterfinals

Ohio State beats Boise State

Iowa gets a bye because USC is not allowed off the bus

Alaorida brings back 2010 Rose Bowl memories in punking Texas

Florbama runs the score up on Oklahoma

Semis

Ohio State plays in a freakishly late-season topical storm in the Orange Bowl against Alaorida. Tressell panics and opens in the wishbone. He even tries to play four corners at one point, bringing in Thad Matta as offensive coordinator. Buckeyes win 2-0

Florbama beats Iowa (really no contest; Iowa was offered the opportunity to forfeit, but declined)

Finals

Ohio State loses handily to Florbama, so much so that Ohio State debates leaving the Big Ten and joining the SEC to try and figure out how to recruit. 6 months after the epic blowout, it is determined that half of Florbama's roster, who all got drafted in the summer of 2011 were at a party at LeBron's new house in Miami, where Drew Rosenhaus' Clone showed up with a bag full of plasmas, Cristal and Latinas. The NCAA finds this to be an improper benefit, nullifying their national championship and awarding Ohio State the top spot.

See, I really don't think Ohio State is #1, or do I?!?

- Will